damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
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When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her
You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway
-inventor of the Biscotti
My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.
About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.
I am ashamed of the scream I made.
I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this
Therapist: actually you absolutely are
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously
” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
Exactly
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
JERY: Maybe you can just go back
TERESA MAY: go back ?
JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.
MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?
JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously
Ovenable?
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
New parent: My child is having a hard time with teething. Any advice?
Veteran parent: Take some whiskey, drink a bunch of it.
You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists
I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.
Interior design 👌
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.