Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.
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My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!
Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.
Teacher: Name the five senses
Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashionTeacher:
Me: *counting on fingers* What?
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
me: genocide is bad
guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?
me: it’s not
guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is
me: a-are those laminated
My jeans started to feel uncomfortably loose so I fixed it by eating a bag of chips, two chocolate bars and some brownies. A woman’s work is never done…
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.
*takes sip of coffee* ..wait
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
Police Sketch Artist: We need to get his face out there ASAP. I’m going to need you to describe him to me.
Me: He looked like the type of person who wouldn’t be ashamed to ride a tricycle in public.
Police Sketch Artist: *pencil poised* Um…
Me: That’s all I got my man.
Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her
Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?
Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really
Me: why are you on her laptop?
Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.
Me: i want a ferraro
Friend: ferrari?
Me: no just one
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
AM I BEING GASLIT????
Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek