I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.
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me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.
(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
Cause of death: Zumba
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”
Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”
I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.
It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
[abducted aboard a UFO]
Alien: Take us to your leader
Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?
A: We’ll return you, unharmed
M: Not… not even a probe?
A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans
M: *pouting* Even if I say please?
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
Asked my husband why he put his usually-neat bourbon on the rocks and he said it’s because his New Year’s resolution is to drink more water.