You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
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I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?
Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25
me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.
Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
Me: I’m in the thick of a lovely assortment of perimenopausal symptoms; my body now has the ability to go from zero to inferno in a matter of seconds.
Telemarketer: I’ll just go ahead and put you on the do-not-contact list.
Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
My brain when I’m up late googling rare & incurable genetic diseases:
yes yes yesyes
yesyes yes yes yes
yes yes yes yes yes
yes yesyes yes yes
yes yesye yes yes
yes yes yesyes
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“
*interrupting* haha, he said prick
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.