Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”
Students:
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that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE
#parenting
Protip: if a woman you’re with is screaming “ELEPHANT! SENATOR! BANANA! EUCALYPTUS! MISSISSIPPI!” it’s because she probably forgot the safe word.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
Cop: know how fast you were going?
Me: 30
Cop: faster
Me: 217
Cop: what? no 72
Me: 54
Cop: I already told-
Me: negative 12
Cop: get out
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
Remembering the time a guy asked me out but he was really cute so I panicked and replied “I can’t, I forgot to buy cheese”
[at work]
Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?
*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*
“No…why do you ask?”
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.
The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
sorry I missed your call, 95% of the calls I get are from robots trying to steal my credit card information so this entire method of communication is now dead to me
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays