Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?
That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.
*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*
You Might Also Like
Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!Very funny Mom!
I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret
Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.
Three things that are certain in life~
1) Death
2) Paying taxes
3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….
Phones down.
*first day in prison orientation*
Warden: Are there any questions?
Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?
Warden: …
Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it
Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.
Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames