I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
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At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”
Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
Standing in line at the grocery store. Lady behind me says “you can move up and stand on that X on the floor”
I politely said “No, I’ve seen far too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that”
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
No. YOU-buprofen.
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, it’s expected.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.
Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
Husband of the year 😂
I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps
Me: Where are the zip ties and duct tape?
Costco employee: Aisle 6
Me: [squeezing his bicep] Oooo you’re beefy. Do you guys carry chloroform?
[Home Depot]
Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.
If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle