“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”
*Go to a bar you Hate
*Put $50 in the Jukebox
*Play nothing but Nickelback
*Leave
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90% of my life is convincing others that I, an idiot, am not an idiot.
The other 10% is using my phone’s flashlight to help me find my phone.
Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Me: what?!
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
Wife: run
i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
i remember when i was like 19 i met sza and i told her ctrl got me through a break up and then she goes “aww babe that makes me so happy. how are you now?” and i go “back with him” and she said nothing and we just sat in silence.
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
My wife: “I’ll be ready in a second. I just have to get the kids dressed.”
Me: “OK.”
*takes a nap*
*reads four books*
*builds a pyramid*
Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news
When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
Thinking outside the box.. 😅
No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.
[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID
Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.
My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.