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The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.
Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.
Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.
Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends
Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”
[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button
*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?
me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.
guy: where is our regular priest
When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired
I remember when yoga was called Twister.
[restaurant]
Me: I’m gonna run into their kitchen and grab some extra cheese
Her: … you definitely don’t have permission
Me: It’s actually pronounced parmesan
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.
Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.
If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt