we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
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On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded
Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.
Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?
me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no
Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on