How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
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Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh
Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island
ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island
H: Ok so that was easy
I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”
Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.
Me: A strained what now?
Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.
Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.
T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
Husband: my back hurts
Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???
[Veterans Hospital]
GRAMPS {waking from 72 year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the Nazis?
ME: Haha, well…interesting story
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model