My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
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Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
We’re watching a true crime show here about women who kill their husbands and my wife is taking notes. Omg I think she wants to be a detective, you guys.
[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.
Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
Autocarrot sucks!
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
“order in the court!”
*Bangs gavel*
Chicken wings, your honor!
[after 3 months in prison]
I think the joke was worth it.
*accidentally clicks on the wrong internet browser*
INTERNET EXPLORER: OH YEAHHHHH! TIME TO SHAKE THE RUST OFF, BABY! WHO’S READY TO EXPLORE. THE. INTER-
*closes browser*
After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
14 y.o.: OMG MOM!!!! Are you okay?!?! Do you need some water? Are you having a heart attack? Why does your face look like that?
⠀
Me: I’m not having a heart attack, I just ran for five minutes.
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands
i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?
Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!
i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic
I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants