I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
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Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …
Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”
What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”
She is very cute, has great energy! 😂
My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”
Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.
On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.Him: no thanks
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
me irl
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.
I’ve just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and I’ve since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? 😝
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
Upon discovering that the good burger place I wanted to get dinner from is closed today, and feeling that no other place would do, I said, “I do not wish to sully my palate with an inferior burger,” and I sounded like if Mr. Darcy was a foodie throwing a tantrum.
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime