I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
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when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.
[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]
How to properly lift a body
“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.
… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑
I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!
He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days
Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂
[first day of school]
LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.
LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.
BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.
This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
#Caturday
My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.
Not me DoorDashing Taco Bell at 330am and messaging the driver “Please don’t ring the doorbell and wake people up. I don’t want to share.”