Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
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[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
BANK TELLER: you’re an awful robber
ME: i’m not sure how to take that
BANK TELLER: exactly
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
Sticker placement is key.
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently
*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.
One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.
Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.
A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!
After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.
the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.
“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?