Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
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This made me chuckle.
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.
Me: *calls* How are my kids?
Grandma: We’re having so much fun
Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-
Grandma: Come get your kids.
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?
my four year old: a pizza shop
me: *fills out her application to harvard*
Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.
Legend 🤣🤣
So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID
My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early
– Twitter Closing inactive accounts
– Google Closing Inactive accounts
– Internet Archive & Wayback Machine Under Attack
– Nintendo going after Emulators
I’m starting to see a pattern. Now would be the time to back up ANYTHING you have not secured locally.
“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.
Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?
[courtroom]
me: good morning, Judge McDonald
Judge: you will address the court properly
Me:
Judge: or be found in contempt
Me: Good morning, Your Ronald
Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.
Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY