Having multiple kids is weird. You have one kid you could trust to be home alone for a whole weekend & you know they’d eat vegetables, lock the doors, & wash the dishes.
Then you have another kid who is not allowed to hold an umbrella.
And they’re almost the same age.
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Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.
My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.
If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.
if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there
What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.
I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…
judge: your word is meaningless.
me: meaningless. m-e-a-
lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.
a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
You say you’re a stoner?
Name every stone then
My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
Cheer up.
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
i have one speed and it’s mosey
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?
[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”
Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.