everyone has that one prude friend
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Here you go, Merry Christmas!
“Dad, why’d you wrap our gifts in soft fabric?”
Because I wanted to make-
Mom: NO DON’T
My presents felt
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*
“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
There are 2 kinds of twitter.
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders
WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.
Give me the unsend button you stupid bird
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.
my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience
Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.
– spider moms, probably
SATAN: welcome to hell
ME: thanks
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.
[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!
15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.
Me: ……sooo handsome though..