8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
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Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.
Anyone want to trade jobs?
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.
[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
[limbo contest]
Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
don’t be scared
Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
This chloroform smells expensiv…
you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
when you were a kid did the kids tv programmes do this thing where they hit people with a “custard pie” but the “pie” was clearly just a paper plate with a little bit of foam on it, as though we were stupid. As though we could not perceive their dishonour
A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex