Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*
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Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”
“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”
My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are
If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting
“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic
I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
Autocorrect changed “Put Bacitracin on it” to “Put bacon on it”.
Fine, we’ll try that.
Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19
ME: I’d like to return this
CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?
ME: I bought it here
CLERK: At Old Navy?
ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!
CLERK:
ME: Store credit, then?
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
Took my Airpods into the Apple Store yesterday. They sounded tinny and distant. Turned out I had them in the wrong ears and back to front. I am an award winning technology columnist. This is my story.
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened
When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.
When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
[on Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!
Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.
Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD
Buzzer: *beeps*
Studio audience: *groans*
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
me at 15: i can’t wait to go to college and PARTY!!
me at 20: ok so listen. there’s a new grocery store and GET THIS. i got a mango for 56 cents
your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.