Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.
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ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?
Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.
Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country
I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,I’m a terrible gardener.
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.
My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.
If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving
Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.
Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]
About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.
First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.
Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
[bedtime]
brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
me: SLEEP
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT
whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT
Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.