I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
You Might Also Like
[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat
on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies
My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”
If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks
me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok
If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.
Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”
They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.
An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix.
You don’t want to be seen with them in public, but they’re handy when you’re in cuffs.
Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
Cutest fight ever.. 😊
My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”
Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow
Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?
Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!
Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’