Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
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Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.
I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married
You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”
‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.
My husband just spent 10 minutes looking for a baseball hat that was on his head. I would have said something, except where’s the fun in that?
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Morningbreath
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My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
Barber: What would you like today?
Me: Make me look attractive.
Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!
[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it
I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.
[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.