A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious
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Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.
I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.
I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!
me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone
Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
me: if there are any spirits here, pleasant yourself to us
ghost: bro did you just say pleasant instead of present?
me: oh no
2nd ghost: lmao this idiot said pleasant
3rd ghost: pleasant
4th ghost: pleasant
5th ghost: pleasant
*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*
Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.
*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG