[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]
witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*
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Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys
*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.
Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.
I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”
Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right
you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail–the invention of zebras
Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.
STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.
ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
GOD: How many animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
A: 1
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Penguin: WHAT
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.