teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
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Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?
Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
her: I’m bored
me: let me take you out and show you a good time
her: ok
[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having funher: I see
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER
you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet
About the only thing I’ve learned from playing Angry Birds is that the pigs could definitely benefit from a comprehensive revamp of their building codes which currently allow construction using unsecured masonry, glass, balloons, and boxes of TNT.
My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?
[During sex]
*Knock on the door*
Woman: Shit! It’s my boyfriend
Man: Oh shit!!! *Pulls out and jumps down from the bed* What do we do?
Woman: Hide in the closet. Quick!
Man: Okay, smart. Let me just…wait…
Woman: What?
Man: Karen, I’m your husband!
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
I used my husband’s shoes to check the mail and was immediately compelled to ask the neighbor kids why they trust the trees since they’re so shady
Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.