Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’
Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’
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Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
[30 years into the future]
me: you know netflix used to send films by post
my amazon smart watch: 0.3% Productivity loss detected. Hourly rate reduced to $1.12 for 7m21s. Please refrain from talking on the packing line. Please say “Productivity” to acknowledge
me: productivity
Wife [knocking on bathroom door]: hurry up, we’re meeting my parents in 10 minutes
Me [stepping into bath holding a toaster]: almost ready
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.
Told her to just roll them a little tighter.
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!
Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas:
Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday
Me: whatever
[next day, watching game]
Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium
Me: what
[theres a knock on the door]
Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.
tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell
Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?
Shout out to my 3-year-old neighbor who went trick-or-treating again last night like, THERE IS NO WAY THIS IS A ONE NIGHT THING
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.