King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!
“I’ll get gold”
“Frankincense”
“I’ll get myrrh”
Me: Can babies vape?
King: Actually 3 wise men is fine
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[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!
*blam!*
And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.
[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?
*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”
Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”
[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
i really liked this one
[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.
Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me
[at bank]
*slides teller a note*Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.
Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap
Me: sure
Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold
Me: I’m not an idiot
[10 minutes later]
Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks