My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.
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Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
doctor: are u drinking enough fluids
me: i’ve never drunk anything else
keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?
Me: what do you want?
13: what do we have?
Me: the same things we always have
13: like what tho
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*
doctor: ok thanks for all your help
me: no problem, have a good one
doctor: love you bye
me:
doctor:
me:
doctor: i’m married
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
Its true…
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
Are we there yet?…
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.