On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
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I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this
Me, scrolling to find my birth year
[The inventor of biscotti]
This coffee would be so much better with a crouton
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”
The news
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?
FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.
Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*
I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.
after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams
INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.
At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here