Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
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The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
Me: let’s take those jeans!
Her: idk, that’s stealing
Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice
Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
[Arthur’s Court]
SIR LANCELOT: We shall be’est known as the Knights of the Square Table
SIR CUMFERENCE: I doth like it but heareth me out…
For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.
Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined
I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.
*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.
Yaba daba do not resuscitate
my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails
me: yes
my brain: are you ever going to read them?
me: no
my brain: then delete them
me: no
Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.
I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
*me at Target*
“Hey baby, you want some of this?”
*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*
Her: *calls security*
~Flirting is so hard
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.
Get it together, toddlers.
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.
My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.