Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*
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Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?
Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.
Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.
The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all
First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.
1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life
DATE: how do you know that
*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
“How’s your day going?”
Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.
[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]
3-year-old: I hate this show.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
3-year-old: He never eats anybody.
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
Festive toon…