♫ she’s just a small time girl
workin at Jurassic Woooorld
opened a raptor cage
now they’re everywhere ♫
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My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.
Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.
[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
science teacher: scorpions have 10 to 12 eyes
kid (taking notes) s-c-o-r-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-o-n which is it? 10 or 12?
I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?
what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.
I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.
If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”
ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate
COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly
ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here
nothing like a slow cooked sausage
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..