Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.
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No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.
Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.
9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?
*In a Bedroom at a Halloween Party*
Woman Dressed as Nurse: That’s a cool effect.
Man Dressed as Dracula: Vat effect are you referring to?
Her: You’re not casting a reflection in the mirror.
Dracula:
Her: oh
I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
“Ah a delightful spring day. It reminds me of my youth spent in these hills with my parents and three older siblings. You’ll want to turn left up here but first let me tell you about the season we spent in the cabin by the creek…”
-the new GPS app from Allrecipes
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.
Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
Taking phone security to the next level.
[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
[doctor’s]
INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?
DR: Your tests are all clear
IM: Is that good?
DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure