Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.
You Might Also Like
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.
Hoping my son just tells me he knows I’m the tooth fairy so I don’t break my back trying to ninja this dollar under his pillow tonight
Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.
Toilet roll shortage. Fine.
Potatoes. Yes whatever.
Chocolate shortage.. PANIC BUY.
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.
employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress
me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.
Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
Twitter basically:
Person: “These socks are itchy.”
Other people:
“That’s not true. I have socks that aren’t itchy.”
“You shouldn’t generalize about socks.”
“Some people need itchy socks. Stop crapping on them.”
“First-world foot problems.”
“The real problem is shoes.”
I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!
[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.