Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
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My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves
People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog
When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them
Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room
The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
Mum: get me a plate
Me: which plate?
Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter
*brings plate*
Mum: no not that one
Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
i hate when google maps keeps rerouting me to the faster route that goes thru traffic. i know my route is longer google i made this choice for my mental health
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
[starship battle]
CAPTAIN: We’re outgunned! Our only hope is to hide in that nebulaENSIGN WHOSE JOB IS CLEANING NEBULA GUNK OFF THE HULL: what if instead we made peace with our inevitable deaths?
So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.
Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos