interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate
me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?
interviewer: wrong popeyes
me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?
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Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?
Yoda telling a girl she can join the school marching band
March, April May
I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
Me: do you like piña coladas?
Date: yes
Me: *marking chart*
Human Robot
——————————
|Me: and getting caught in the rain?
Date: not really
Me: *eyes narrow*
Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again