He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
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I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.
“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”
AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”
“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
“What’s the problem?”
“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”
“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”
“Again.”
“Dammit.”
Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
ME: i trained this chicken to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: what’s a male deer
CHICKEN: buck
ME: how much is 200 pennies
CHICKEN: buck buck
HER: this sucks
ME: it gets better
CHICKEN: it gets way better, Karen
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!
ME: Can I get a–
OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits
Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.
I have witnessed someone face reality.
[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Me: 1991
[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response
people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?