OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
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If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.
Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.
My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
[Going to Starbucks for the first time]
*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*
[a little later]
‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’
[Job interview]
Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?
Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.
Executive: You’re hired.
Me: I’ll start in a week.
Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both
You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”
If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]
When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
Of all the bad habits I’ve taught my kids, reassembling Club wrappers so they look like there is still a chocolate biscuit inside is the one that’s come back to bite me the fastest so far.
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs