When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
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my recent google searches:
— how to colour your own hair
— how to fix a bad dye job
— Wigs By Tiffani
— hats
— making the most of your time in isolation
DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.
ME: No problemo.
DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.
ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
Mistakes were made
God: you’re a seabird.
Puffin: can I fly?
God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?
Puffin: oh good.
God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?
Puffin: I know right? lol.
Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay
I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”
Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
Noted.
Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.