My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.
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u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.
Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-
Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!
Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while
Not everyone understands my laundry method. It’s simple. If it’s clean, it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty, it’s on the floor over there.
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
every time I write an email I think: “you need to be professional. no smiley faces. no exclamation points. use big, smart words. you are so so brave” and then I’ll get a reply from some 60 year old VP named Mike that’s like, “thx. have a gr8 wknd!
Get Outlook for iOS”
I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!
Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
*skydiving with my friend who’s always bragging about being a vegetarian. we pull our ripcords & his parachute deploys but a bunch of lettuce, tomatoes & diced cucumbers fly out of mine. i yell to him as i fall away*
HMM, VERY INTERESTING. SO, SALADS ACTUALLY CAN BE BAD FOR YOU
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*