My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
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Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.
“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.
It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
Humans in sci-fi: Stupid artificial beings LOL. They don’t have FEELINGS, so you can treat them like SHIT
Humans in real life: I put googly eyes on my toaster. His name is James now, and I will protect him with my LIFE
I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
[middle of a heated argument]
Him: I’m leaving you
Her: fine with me, I’ll get the door for you *opens the oven*
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you think that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
[interview]
Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
15yo: Mom, now that you have to do your own nails, maybe you shouldn’t do them at night…
ME: I didn’t!
15yo: when it’s dark …
ME: It was morning!
15yo: and cloudy…
ME: It was sunny!
15yo: when you’re tired…
ME: I just woke up!
15yo: while drinking…
ME: … fair.