How can you tell when a duck is a witch?
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Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!
*tries*
4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?
She’s not the first to ask me that.
Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I’m going back to bed
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.
8 PM- “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make an actual breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, & hash browns”
8 AM- *grabs cold pizza from the fridge*
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them
Cartman: Respect my
a a
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
NOAH.THEY HAVE TO BE ALIVE
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
Toddler: happy birthday daddy!
Me: aw thanks buddy!
Toddler: it’s my birthday too?
Me: no your birthday is in December.
Toddler: IT’S MY BIRTHDAY TOO!
Me: no-
Toddler: TELL ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Me: but-
Toddler: SAY IT!
Me: happy birthday?
Toddler: thanks daddy!
people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description
Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?