My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis
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Me: Goodnight angel.
9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
Resistance training
But me dragging my kids into school.
interviewer: are you a good listener
TV captioner: yes
interviewer: can you type quickly and accurately
TV captioner: oh yeah
interviewer: sorry, we can not hire you
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
“To keep their nuts dry.”
HAHAHAHA!
(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)
“And there was this one time…”
*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*Me, giving a wedding toast
280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS.
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!
Nice try, NASA
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
Either this apartment is haunted or someone has been filling the sink with dishes & leaving notes that say, “You still owe $89 for cable.”
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
My brother called to tell me specifically that his Zoom party really took off after he told everyone the story of the one time I took a chance & overcame my shyness & went to buy a guy at a club a drink at but it turned out the guy was a mannequin & part of the décor.
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
Girl: I love Medieval Art
Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now
Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?
Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.
“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.
midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”