Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
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Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship
[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
grampa: no controversial topics this Christmas—
me: it’s not controversial
grampa: don’t start
me: Santa is more powerful than the X-Men
grampa: Phoenix would DESTROY San—
me: SPEED, OMNISCIENCE, FLIGHT—
grampa: HE CAN’T FLY IF SHE WIPES REINDEER FROM EXISTENCE!
Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.
Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?
Me: yes
Therapist: then maybe-
Me: *looking up from phone* wait no
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a stormNo matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.
Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
[ouija board]
How are you feeling?
*board begins spelling*
O-O-E-Y–G-O-O-E-YWhat the!? A cheesy board!?
G-O-U-D-A–G-U-E-S-S
My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
I just heard a lady in the grocery store parking lot tell her dog in the truck she loves him & he’s beautiful & she’s going to miss him, but she’ll brb & kissed head.
& I just feel like we need more of her in this world.
I also wanna be her dog when I grow up.
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl
I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience