Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake
You Might Also Like
Me: I miss you.
My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.
Me: No, I just miss —
My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.
Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
I came, I saw, I got allergies
~ Julius Sneezer
He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
[me as a cop]
Me: Mrs Hill?
Woman: yes
Me: it’s Ms Hill now
Woman: huh
Me: ur husbands dead
Woman: h-how?
Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died
[home schooling, day 1]
Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?
Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS.
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!
Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆
I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please