HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
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“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame
Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this
Hey I bet if lumberjacks had a dating app it’d be called Timber. And I bet also that if beavers had a dating app it’d also be called Timber. And I even bet—hell, I’m willing to say it—I bet if pirates had a dating app it’d be called Timber, too. You know as in shiver me
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.
CAUTION : THE ROADS ARE SO DANGEROUS RIGHT NOW UNLESS YOU WANNA GO GET ME SOME BAGELS, THEN THEY ARE FINE
“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
Keeping this house spotless is tough, but trying to look busy for the three hours that the maid is here isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.
[eats all your cotton candy]
Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.
drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”
Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES
I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
My 4YO asked me, “can I take your picture mama cuz you’re so beautiful,” but it was actually because she wanted my phone to look for YouTube videos.
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.