PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
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Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.
After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.
HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.
My husband never answers the phone when I need him!
When I need him: Middle of the afternoon, on a Tuesday, while he is at work, and there is not one but TWO wasps flying around the kitchen tormenting me.
SEND HELP!
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.
If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad
[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.