I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
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my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.
Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?*shoots kneecap*
How bout now?
Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.
MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
Me: *trying to swallow a pill for 30 minutes* I’ve done it. Nope. It’s still in my mouth.
Morpheus: You probably aren’t the One.
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation
[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting
Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!