Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
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Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”
Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”
What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..
It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.
My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight*as soon as I relax*
-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car
[First day as an exterminator]
Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.
Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD
I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.
Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face
I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
Heroic Misunderstanding
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.